with lots of guilt and anger all over the place, voodoogirl started to plan the course of action. more than planning, she just started to think about it. this isn't the usual suspects day, she thought. these are different eyes i'm looking through, i'm looking at. at least i'm looking, she said with no clear intention. confussing thoughts aren't free. i'm missing something, she realized. puffed eyes & soul are not just lastnite hamburger's fault, and she knows it. must take some time off. must go to the sea.

there's no way to make a turning point out of it. cn't tell, share, be. cn't get it.

  Viktoria Mullova – Ravel - Violin Sonata (1927): I Allegretto 

voodoogirl is, and she does know it. current surroundings carry a strange amount of lack of information that is sadly familiar. talk and walk is not always the first choice. driving is more likely. knowledge leaves me sideways, she forsees. not today, not tomorrow, but soon. she knows things will get there, somehow. but, how does she know? this situation is starting to get into my involuntary actions, she replies. listening isn't a choice. just a month has gone.

 

  

Say you were split, you were split in fragments
And none of the pieces would talk to you
Wouldn't you want to be who you had been
Well baby I want that too

So better take the keys and drive forever
Staying won't put these futures back together
All the perfect drugs and superheros
Wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero

Baby, I bet you've been more than patience
Saying it's not a catastrophe
But I'm not the girl you once put your faith in
Just someone who looks like me

 

So better take the keys and drive forever
Staying won't put these futures back together
All the perfect drugs and superheros
Wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero

So get out while you can
Get out while you can
Baby I'm pouring quick sand
And sinking is all I have planned
So better just go

Oh, better take the keys and drive forever
Staying won't put these futures back together
All the perfect drugs and superheros
Wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero

All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put baby together again
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put baby together again 

 

Aimee Mann

Humpty Dumpty - Lost in space, 2003

 

the circus must leave.

no circus's allowed.

it looks like denial. so what if it is.

don't have to. don't need to. all jugglers must go.

the show is just over. rolled over it all.

 

not a soul, she realized. don't even whisper. don't let them get close. things are that and that only, she said conformly. my own voice is not to be shared for now. not today. not at all. me, formerly known as i used to be. nowdays, i. just i. me.

 

brain is a tricky thing for memory, she realized. at least, for mine. voodoogirl used to be known for her descriptive and precise memory, since she couldn't remember. but she knows more, and that thought is sticked to her mind now. she had a nonshared secret: she usually forgets what she wants, and sometimes... what she needs, too. those that hurt, painful thoughts, facts, even -sometimes and not easily- feelings. 

the good part is that i don't remember bad things everyday, she says outloud and sincerely, with a visible scarsimile. but the troubled part is starting to play games with her brain these days, and she's noticed. and so she's scared. and so she stares and fears. she knows she has to do something about it. she just doesn't know what, yet.

 

cattle is not for circle walking, she already knew. but somehow she found herself standing in the middle of this merrygoround in a nonstop ride full of cows. music is loud and doesn't let me think, she justified. i'm scared, she thought, of staying this way expecting for ever. ever can be long, she wondered.

she sat for a while only to find out her own thoughts had become more noisy than she ever thought. even when i sleep, i see. after hours, i seek. after all, i'm me. voodoogirl walks slowly towards her own voice, thinking that desire is a tricky feeling, and so is love. it fills a place, she visualized, between the lungs and the liver. nonsense driven periods ot time can leave you without a smile. voodoogirl wanted a ticket to ride, so she bought the whole roller coaster for the day. maybe if i change my point of view... suddenly, she stared at the air. she chose to stay silent. it's better for all.

 

 

 

 

symptoms come in different sizes, forms and colors. patterns are determined depending on the attending physician (or else) who describe them, often focused on their personal point of view, experience and psychological fase of their distortional self.

for the differential diagnosis: either environmental, emotional, physical or psychological choices must be taken in consideration. as well as if there's a turning point of this so called disruptive behavior, with the consecuence of the deconstruction of the ego and restructure of the self (patient's one, this time) as an unbearable person, as a disconsidered subject that ends with this hopeless feeling that fulfills someonelse's need of attention.

 

 

suddenly, visualizó ulterior motives in every word, in every move. not a chance, pensó. voodoogirl tries to breathe and tries hard... and she's absolutely conscious about it. i rather not, she said. she drove. a lot. then what, she wondered. how come this, now. too daring for a sunday. too spicy. ginger tea with lemmon can't be a sunday night drink. en su infinito intento por conciliar y contentar, she recognized her. she didn't like it, though. must do something about it, she kept thinking, while her amígdalas cerebrales se activaban en superavit de cargas.