thoughts for myself. of my own. sin influencia del resto. sin shoulds and musts.

wander to wonder is this season's priority.

let yourself look within and find -in you- yourself. let you feel, think and breath.

its hard to think for yourself when you feel you must attend to everyone else's demands.

other's priorities tend to be yours, but they aren't.

let your thoughts guide your choices.

wander in you and surround. wonder about you and what you might find. pursue your own.

between the past and today

between today and tomorrow

between who you are and who you wannabe

between you and your dreams

between you and me

 

try not to, le dijo preocupada. un día es un día, como dice jeanette y hoy no es diferente, la trató de calmar con sonrisa y guiño. voodoogirl escuchaba a nevertheless girl mientras miraba por la ventana y no parpadeaba. hoy ganó piso, lo siente. la creciente gravedad la viene acercando al centro de la Tierra everyday y evita el no sabe no opina general. hoy debe considerar cada vez más items en la lista y eso la tiene preocupada. más. la música de phillip glass for the day mantiene la temperatura, la presión, la densidad, la tensión en los trapecios.

lateron debo relajar cervical y lumbares somehow, se propuso. un día es un día, siempre es hoy.

 

after a day in confusion state she couldn't resist. she finally bought the aluminium tube that bends.

she hopes and fears. but most of all, hopes with fear.

 

 

 

after a night of dream about work she was tired. multitask girl had lots of little squares on her list... and she needed the checks. so, she started early in the day. se sabía confundida. se sabía absorta. se sabía ansiosa. se sabía. she knew she had to leave sundaygirl behind.

how come all this. is it the distance? is it the system? is it him? is it me? is it the time running out? 

sin lograr trazar el situation map at all se sentía más preocupada. handling things this big is not a matter of just decision. past is tense.

i'll need extra help for today, said consciously. bubble tea with a bluetwist. ajustó su visión estereoscópica y se concentró en las proporciones. a drink after: i feel enlightened, she realized. respiró freely y reordenó mentalmente la lista.

first things first (but not necesarily in that order).

 

 

 

wasn't awake enough -at first-. wasn't thinking clearly, then. she wouldn't all day.

voodoogirl is worried again. she knows things that she can't tell.

she knows more.

after blowing everyone out&away throughout the day... but always with good manners... she started to let her think about this old/new stuff that is wondering and hunting her brain, her thoughts, her heart.. las decisiones tomadas, hace ya tanto. y con cuánto. las ideas ponderadas... los dolores pergnes... las personas importantes que nunca supieron ejercer el amor.

i am mine. she said. i will still be. she predicted.

First: i don't want to think now and i don't want to think hurtingly. Second: i need to finish all the work and i need to wake up early tomorrow.

Third and last: i didn't want all this. i wanted something else, and.. i think he knows... i think... everybody knows... i know, i think.

 

Wanting to avoid sadness and all the crying stuff, decidió combinar sabores. Caramelo de perita, mandarina y vino. Queso manchego, aceitunas verdes y mermelada de mora. Agua con limón. Bubble Tea would be perfection, pensó. With a plan for tomorrow she just wanted to sleep. Dream quietly, tender and blue. Dream about me.

 

 

there's no way. there isn't.

voodoogirl was disappointed. she wanted something but her brain said no.

she knows no one understands. no one would. (not even her brain, not even herself). at least, not at this point. not today.

how can i. how can this. how would he, or i, or this. there's no hope for me. there's no way, nightmare girl thought & felt sorrow. felt pain. felt everything ugly and dirty. i am really sad tonite, she realized. i donnou where i've been, i donnou where i'm goin' to. this isn't a turning point. this is just some kind of a blind&hurtspot with a lot of silence&noise periods of time, that don't let me think, feel, be.

somehow, i try to be gentle with the rest & with my feelings... she explained. though she knew it, it really wasn't like that. she was gentle with everyone else, but herself. she knows this is a rewriteable disc, she knows she doesn't live categorically. she wants to feel free, to feel loved, to feel taken cared of, cured. she kows this isn't coming, she knows more.

 

no one ever understands, no one would. so... if i cant't fix this... is my life wasted? is it? she wonders & worries. she wants sun, space and air.

she wants to feel free, maybe out, maybe dead.

 

 

 

 

voodoogirl took the purple scarf and went out for a walk. she walked and walked and in some point she stopped. she looked around and noticed: my scarf isn't waving... so, what's the point? after thousands and thousands of climate related questions... she walked back home.

as disappointed as she was... decided to cook. mushrooms, tomatoes, cheese & bread. olive oil & spice... & maybe wine. cooking ceases the mind, at least i'd like to think that for a while. she explained to herself (she didn't have to, but she needed to).

 

she started to cry. she doesn't usually cry. but she cries a lot. eitherway, as overwhelming as her crying is (even for herself). she did. she cried. it was weird. still is. she already knew. she knew it since before, even after, ever since. voodoogirl is nearly broken. but not quite. she understands herself more than ever. she loves and cares and takes deep breathes more than ever.

she looked at all the boxes surround and couldn't believe what was happenning. it is happenning. i am here now and i have been over there before. she wouldn't trace a line between her own and her life. not even inside her own life.

who is it that misses you. that resents you. now that you're gone, and you've been like that for that long.

what is it that makes you real, us real, this real. my thoughts&feelings real.

trace it con backapeado que sirva para más de uno. rastrea cada gota de sudor y reconstruye la escena.

el que busca encuentra. findit, finditall.

 

una cucaracha que desarrolla habilidades para atacar (o al menos, responder ataques)... que se transforma en escorpión o en whatever you think (better don't), la pisas y la pisas y luego de escuchar ese característico sonido luego de hacerla puré (literalmente)... vuelve a recuperar su forma y contenido... scaryhuhh

estas son solo algunas de las últimas novedades que trae la versión 2.0 del nightmare girl reloaded.

nightmare girl was more scared. las noches largas permiten overrated days, las botellas de vino, los mensajes crípticos... this week's been really hard... and it just started!!!

better try to catch up with my reading or something. better not even think about going out somewhere. let's try to skip the sleeping part of the day. or at least the dreaming one.

 

 

somehow, it started like something else

and ended as usual

as what it is

some kind of 

a sickminded version of myself

but me at least

and 

at last

me

yeah, me 

 

a walk in the park. a long day in a summer paradise. sunset at the beach. beer with a kiss. sleepless night in soft&white sheets. water&feet in a recycled note with turquoiseblue ink. lightnin&thunder after a scarynightmare.

 

today was kindof not justanotherday in paradise, but not quiteinhell either... she thought setting a statement. i did tell him to step out, so... it must be something i do want... right?

nevertheless girl was complaining a lot, she noticed. however she knew her choices weren't that bad.

confusing? not really.

annoying? maybe.

overwhelming? as usual.

i had a dream last night. i should be using proper words for this. she tortured herself a little more. she continued trying to sleep only to realize something had changed. maybe the pillows are not puffed enough. or the temperature is not what i expected. the smell, though, is great.

drink more water is the plan for tomorrow. first water, then coffee, then more water. then maybe some wine.

i want, then i pursue.

i do.

 

 

is this allright? am i allowed now? she asked herself. i don't usually kiss&tell, anyway... she thought. i should step out of the usual suspects point of view -at least for a while- or ... start yelling and daydreaming and driving for extremely exhausting periods of time. beck's lost cause would start the soundtrack.

voodoogirl is worried about something, but she's not sure what about. it's useless, she thought. let's start with the driving thing.

 

luego de jugar con el caleidoscopio hasta el amanecer, voodoogirl se relajó. los colores, el movimiento de la luz, las caricias inesperadas, la sensación de been takedcareof -aunque fuera superficial- had stunt the course of action. she found herself defendiendo su espacio, no sin culpa, y sin embargo, haciéndolo.

 

amazing, pensó. la necesidad de cumplir tantas obligaciones y todas pendientes -y llenas de reclamos- aturde, deshidrata y bloquea el pensamiento. yesterday i lost my housekeys, recordó [más que las llaves, le molestaba haber perdido la pluma turquesa dentro del cubo transparente que cuidaba de ellas]. bebió jugo de naranja y agua.

 

anoche soñé un montón, casi en el orden de la lista de pendientes, pensó. mejor no lo recuerdo ahora porque puede empezar a aturdirme again, se decía. voodoogirl estaba siendo cauta, pensaba que no debía pensar, al menos no todo de golpe. no estaba segura del nuevo course of action, sin embargo, se daba la oportunidad de experimentar con sus recursos mentales y emocionales... incluso con los físicos, she realized. yesterday was something else. today is sunday. it is more likely to reschedule my annoying obligations, start to think clearly and set the goals for the week. inminente checklist for the day: do a checklist for the week. separate columns: work, home. reservar un espacio vacío to enjoy.

un poco de sol no vendría mal. debo programar eso para la semana, too. 

aren't we all? se preguntaba voodoogirl afterhours. behind her thoughts, more of them. beneath her feelings, just exhausted ones.

it isn't sunday yet, but it's more likely to prelive sundays -or sort of them- these days. hace días que pienso y siento en gran angular. hace días que trato y trato de no, at least not much. for as long as i try, i am here, now... standing still, growing old, just fine.

 

stary nights are nice, but scary. voodoogirl is waiting for the best. however she knows more. she still withdraws her from herself. she does as she used to. but now, she wants to stop.

i really don't know how, dice outloud, as if there was anyone to listen.... ... .. . the surround system works only on workdays, she says. there's not such thing, but it's more likely for her to be comfortable with some kind of weird explanation than to understand herself.

 

the recent release selflover&plus 3000 is now available. she's tempted to buy one. maybe, instead of spending time in placebosms 1500 i should buy themoreclosetotherealthing thingy. i don't need anything, she assures, i just want it.

 

 

missed the point, pensaba voodoogirl con la mente llena de paisaje aéreo. no sé en qué momento terminé así, aquí, ahora.